Feb 17

Feb 17 Reclaiming

At the age of eighteen, I spread my wings and left the nest literally flying across the world solo to Hillsong College in Sydney, Australia. A year ago, I wrote a letter to my Hillsong friends as we were processing the global senior leaders’ scandalous fall from grace and inevitable resignation after an already tumultuous few years. Since then as more corruption has been brought to light particularly around the unethical abuse of finances- and to be frank. likely fraudulent expenditures from a legal standpoint. At this moment, I wouldn’t debate a Hillsong supporter as while there are two sides to every story, there is sufficient evidence of misappropriated funds and high profile leaders behaving in hypocritical, likely illegal and explotiative behaviour which they themselves have admitted to. I am making a conscious choice to speak up as doing so directly counteracts the culture of Hillsong where we are all engrained to be unified by a shared “vision.” While it may have started with pure intentions, it’s become twisted and evolved into a group think mentality and effective silencing tactic as it discourages constructive feedback and makes holding people accountable difficult. Up until recently, the board has done an excellent job of controlling the narrative to its followers. I have both been prey and complicit with this messaging.

Many people have a personal experience of Hillsong being a church. I genuinely believe it started that way, but somewhere along the line, they lost their way due to fame, greed and power. Many of my dearest friends have been there or still are there who are good, humble and loving. I have had genuine spiritual encounters myself in church and chapel services. I am able to use the skills I learned there now in serving my small community local church. The best part of Hillsong has always been the people and I feel for those who are hurt, confused, in denial and grieving. However; as a structure, it’s become apparent they have cult-like underpinnings [ie. centred around charismatic personalities who go too long unchecked] and run more like a for-profit business versus a non-profit community-focused, Christ-centred, tax-exempt, philanthropic organization. Many more people have experiences of Hillsong being a source of hurt, traumatization and exploitation and we always need to prioritizing the victims’ well-being regardless of any hit in reputation to any leader or entity.

At times I have chastised myself for being so naive. Was I actually in a f***’n cult [strong language for a terrifying question]?! There has been brain washing, cognitive dissonance and conditioning. As more truth comes to the surface, I have felt stupid and embarrassed for “drinking the cool-aid” yet I know I was young and impressionable which was the targeted demographic. I also know at the time I made decisions based on the facts I had back then. 2005 looked so much different than 2023. I’m not an expert on religious trauma, but I would label this particular organization certainly as cult-ish at times, but not a cult- and certainly not the worst of them. Whether it’s cultish or a true cult, ultimately it’s semantics, fuels my self-inflicted gaslighitng and distorts the fact that this is a Hillsong problem to fix, and not a me problem.

Anger and bitterness is not something I choose to cling to so I am choosing to forgive meaning let go of the resentment and disappointment while simultaneously advocating for accountability. It isn’t my job to hold their feet to the fire. Nor is it my job to dwell on their rebuilding rebranding or give them a listening ear and certainly NOT my money [buy your own rolex watches]. The best “revenge” is for me is to live my best life.

One way I am doing that is to foster the beautiful international friendships I made there, reclaiming the good times and recollecting my memories of Australian expat life and coming of age that occurred outside those auditorium walls. I can cherish the good and disregard the rest. I can live in the freedom of forgiveness. I’m no longer thrown for a loop when a new scandal du jour breaks because I am done with Hillsong.

In closing, I will share one fun experience I had that makes me smile to this day.