Breaking Up With Purity Culture
I am a wife, mother and devout Christian, yet I reject purity culture. Let me start with the important disclaimer that I am not attacking Biblical scriptures on sex and sexuality. Rather, it’s the culture that has evolved beyond these scriptures and twisted it into this warped group think mentality that I find problematic.
I grew up in a Bible-belt, conservative, predominately white homogeneous small town. Like every kid who grew up in the evangelical bubble, we would have “the talk” at youth group where a leader would use an object illustration such as ripping up pieces of paper to suggest that every sexual encounter meant you had irrevocably given away a piece of yourself, therefore your future spouse would be robbed of marrying a whole, complete person. This sends the harmful message that our worth is tied to our past sexual choices. Hearing the paper rip caused a squeamish, visceral internal reaction and I felt uncomfortable in my own body. Additionally there was a patriarchal undertone that a godly husband would only want virgin bride. Traditionally in Western cultures, a bride wears white to signify purity, whereas the groom’s attire holds no symbolic meaning. This same patriarchal teaching also puts the onus of females to dress modestly to advert the male gaze which contradicts this scripture, “And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell,” [Matthew 18:9]. I dress in a way that feels modest to me in a classy way without camouflaging my shape as I don’t want to create a purposeful distraction, yet recognizing that it’s the other person’s responsibility to take captive of any inappropriate or lustful thoughts they may have.
When I was a youth pastor, this topic was something I had to cover. I think the Church can discuss sex in a healthy way. I presented the Biblical view of sex including abstinence until marriage, acknowledged that this is a personal choice every person makes, what each contraceptive does and doesn’t do [ie. the pill prevents pregnancy but not spread of STI’s] and forwent scare tactics like shame inducing object lessons. However; I failed to address the toxicity of purity culture so I regrettably was complicit in pedalling this narrative. I apologize for my participation. My students ribbed me a bit as I was unmarried so they could accurately deduce that I was a virgin. I felt like one of the nuns in Sister Act II when teaching sex in health class. A snarky student indignantly scoffs, “How would you know?” Sister Mary Patrick giggles and retorts, “Well I don’t have to bite the donut to know it’s sweet!”
Purity culture was in the Hollywood zeitgeist during my coming of age years. The pop stars of the day such as Britney Spears donned purity rings and she was routinely questioned by adult “journalists” regarding her status as virgin. Considering she was underage and the fact her male pop star counterparts weren’t grilled this way once again highlights the toxicity of this skewed patriarchal perspective. Like Britney Spears, at 16 I was given a delicate yellow gold ring to wear on my left ring finger as a reminder to guard my purity. I would later go on to lose that purity ring on a road trip [in the literal sense and not the metaphorical sense haha] and was filled with so much guilt and concerned about the optics of losing my ring. Looking back, I think the custom is creepy and while I see the well-intentioned love behind it, it’s a by-product of this culture as evidenced that in my church only the girls wore them.
Today one modern day example of purity culture gone awry in pop culture is to hear the always cringeworthy TLC’s Duggar Family harp on about courtship as self-appointed experts on the subject. While the single children are supposedly not having premarital sex, the way they have these arbitrary rules like no kissing before marriage, only side hugs, zero time unchaperoned seems like they are more sex-focused wth zero willpower then most couples I know. It’s odd that personal autonomy has been removed from the equation where “family rules” dictate the relationship of adult couples, treating them like children instead of two individuals about to make one of their most significant life choices. Their ethos sounds similar to the bestseller Christian non-fiction cult classic “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris who has since recanted the messaging of his famous book, apologizing for how his words influenced purity culture and launching the topic to a whole new stratosphere.
Purity culture didn’t impact me only when single, but infiltrated my marriage as well.
While my husband has always been sensitive and tender, going from a "pure" virgin who suppressed my urges to a sexually active wife in one day was a 180º switch causing me to put tons of pressure on myself. The collateral damage of purity culture caused me to carry so much mental baggage and subconscious physical tension meaning for years sex was both enjoyable and painful. Even after kids. A couple years ago, it dawned on my how damaging this narrative was to my "God honouring marriage bed." I immediately chucked that mindset in the bin and sex has NOT hurt even once since. Divorcing purity culture has helped me achieve the fun, adventurous, sexy nymph status that I knew was possible haha.
I have no regrets that I waited and that Justin is my one and only. I will let my children know my story and pray they follow suit while respecting they will make their own path. I will teach my children that their worth isn’t tied to their sexual decisions. I will inform them that their bodily urges are completely natural and normal. I will try to not make assumptions when it comes to their sexual orientation and will accept them always. I will educate them and also provide contraception if they choose to be sexually active, but will also have boundaries so as not to openly encourage sexual promiscuity [boyfriends and girlfriends won’t be allowed over for sleepovers in their high school years among other house rules, but condoms will be available in their bathroom]. It’s not a contradiction but nuanced approach, an important distinction we need to understand. I will implore the mandatory necessity for clear consent and empower them so they can confidently say “no.” We will raise them with love and moral values- and teach them their identify is rooted in Christ so they hopefully won’t crave intimacy for unhealthy reasons or to seek misguided validation. Lastly, I will always be a safe place for them to talk about sex without judgement. I believe that marriage is a legal right and powerful bond between two consenting adults. My one regret is that purity culture caused me anxiety as a young woman and robbed me of carefree and pain-free sex for years. Purity culture and I are never ever, ever getting back together.
