Redefining My Relationship With Food
I am a fairly open book, but one chapter I have been private about is my struggles with disordered eating. I won’t go into major details of my backstory, but this is something I have dealt with on-and-off for well over twenty years. A main reason it remained secretive was that my weight never dropped dangerously low, however; that doesn’t make it ok or harmless. Like most sufferers, it’s a complex, multifaceted illness with many triggers and personality characteristics that brought this on. In college after speaking with my incredibly supportive parents, I sought out professional treatment. Unfortunately, the therapist I saw was not specialized in this area and should have referred me. While I did stop some harmful behaviours, I swapped them for other habits. My habits included extreme “clean eating” and vigorous compensatory exercise. My therapist praised me for my hard work, failing to recognize I had developed orthorexia. I had unwittingly traded one eating disorder for another.
Orthorexia is a pre-occupation and obsession with a healthy liftestyle. There is nothing wrong with living healthy. It becomes problematic when it rules our life [I used to turn down social activities to avoid missing the gym and would have anxiety when I was “bad”]. I operated this way for a few years believing I was cured, however; as I experienced hardships, those unhealthy mindsets I had always carried began to scream louder and I recognized I was still sick and spoke with my doctor. From there, as part of my recovery, I am seeing a registered dietician.
I have learned so much about nutrition, the BS that is diet culture, and becoming aware of my own warped thinking. It hasn’t been easy for me to recognize disordered eating thoughts after two decades. I am rewiring my brain, retraining my digestive system, and removing the stigma and shame I have felt.
Here are some thoughts I have about redefining my relationship with food.
It’s Not All-Or-Nothing
I’ve been instructed to stop assigning morality to food since the littlest “slip up” makes me feel like a “failure”. Allowing for wiggle room takes the pressure off. Originally I planned to have the post photo display a “good food” such as a smoothie bowl [they are yummy!], but opted instead to share this picture of ice cream I enjoyed over the weekend as a way to call out my own diet culture thinking.
As someone who is in active recovery from an eating disorder, restriction equals binging. After time, I develop a reward deficit which equals more food consumption. It’s also counterproductive since when I restrict, my body will hold onto the calories, sugar and fat as it’s in survival mode. While I am learning not to restrict, it doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all either. I am striving for balance, honouring both my physical body and mental well-being.
Stop Trying To Fight It
“Ironic process theory” leads to binging thoughts because when I tell myself not to think about something, chances are I will think about that very thing. It is imperative I stop agreeing with faulty thinking. Instead of thinking, “I CAN’T have this or I HAVE to have this,” I now rephrase that with, “I can CHOOSE to have this.” This removes the restriction, but also curbs the out-of-control binging/purging thoughts. Disordered eating starts with disordered thinking.
Release The Need To Respond… Ride It Out
This is the premise of the book, Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. She had severe bulimia for years. She learned to acknowledge the urge to binge/purge train and ride it out. In time, the thoughts get less intense and reoccur less frequently. This is how I am learning to rewire our brain.
Find The True Reason [Bored, Thirsty, Emotional, Restricting… etc]
There is a fine line for me between feeling ‘snacky’ and wanting to binge. I am learning to purge those misleading motives as I am currently discovering mechanical eating [eating on the clock] before transitioning to intuitive eating.
Give It Time
I cannot undo twenty years of skewed thinking overnight. This is a process.
I have such a long way to go, but day by day as I redefine my relationship with food as a source of both nourishment and enjoyment, I am feeling the weight of disordered eating lessen. My kids have been struggling with lockdown life so we got McDonald’s for dinner and we all enjoyed it… sometimes a Happy meal is good for the soul!
